Scream III½
by Quothed Nevermore
Summary: Crossover of Scream and Zelda mixed with my odd sense of humor. Screenplay format. R/R please! and read the bottom of the story about why you shouldn't yell at me >_


_Scream III½__  
_ _ _ _ _By Ti'ana_

Scene: Overview; Hyrule at dusk. The sun sets over the vast land.  
Very little activity; Malon is seen dragging Epona by the reins, and  
Talon behind her, filing his nails. Ingo sits in the cart, his head bobbing  
back and forth, like he has motion sickness.  
The camera moves towards Hyrule Castle Town. It goes up  
to the Castle Town drawbridge. As we move into the town over the  
bridge, it begins to rise, knocking the CAMERAMAN into the moat. For  
a second we have no picture; only the microphone works.  
  
  
CAMERAMAN: (Brooklyn accent) *#$&! This @*$& peesa  
@*&#$!  
  
DIRECTOR: (voice only) You're fired!  
  
CAMERAMAN: D'oh (we hear the water slushing as he leaves.  
All we see is snow still)  
  
DIRECTOR: (v/o) Act I, Scene i overview take two!  
  
  
ACT I, SCENE i take two: In Hyrule Castle Town, we see a few Hylians  
entering their homes.  
Camera switches to the castle. The sky is darkened now.  
Camera switches to inside the castle.  
  
GUARD: Hey! Where's your permit to film here!  
  
GUARD 2: Look! Hey ma, I'm on TV! (He waves his hand quickly,  
and CAMERAMAN hits them both over the head with the camera, we hear  
a few groans as they fall to the floor, and continue through the castle, behind schedule thanks to those two #@$&*! obstacles we had to overcome. Sorry.)  
  
  
Camera switches to ZELDA's bedroom. Princess ZELDA sits in front of her  
mirror, brushing her hair. She is humming the song of the Royal Family,  
Zelda's Lullaby. The telephone rings (ring).  
  
  
ZELDA: Ugh, not while I'm brushing my hair! (Picks up the phone)  
Sorry wrong number. (Cradles the phone, hard)  
  
Camera switches to ZELDA's left side, facing the phone on the left side  
of Zelda's dresser. The phone rings again. (Ring)  
  
ZELDA: (Snatches phone up) Listen you jerk, I told you to leave  
me alone! If I hear one more ri...  
  
CREEPY VOICE: Do you like scary movies?  
  
ZELDA: You mean like... that movie with the bald people that  
come to Earth and try to take it over?  
  
VOICE: Independence Day? That's not a...  
  
ZELDA: NO! I'm not talking about the actors. I mean, the  
overseers or whatever that come to Earth to take back all their slaves and  
take over the planet because Earth sheltered them or something....  
  
VOICE: You dope! That's Alien Nation! They're not there to  
take over the planet and.. Hey that wasn't a scary movie either!  
  
ZELDA: (Laughs, camera switches to other side of her face) Well  
it was an AWFUL movie.  
  
VOICE: What is wrong with you! They had the most brilliant  
screenplay in all SciFi movies! Well except for maaaybe... You know..  
will you answer the damn question?  
  
ZELDA: (flips her hair) What was that again?  
  
VOICE: (slapping sound is heard, skin against skin. Assume  
he's hitting his forehead). DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES!  
  
ZELDA: Uh-huh.  
  
VOICE: What's your favorite?  
  
ZELDA: Uh... That movie with Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, the  
vampire movie.  
  
VOICE: Interview with a Vampire. Also not a scary movie, but  
I can see you're a blonde, so I won't penalize you.  
  
ZELDA: (Looks over at the clock, camera switches to the clock  
which reads 9:38, then camera switches back to ZELDA) Listen, I had  
better go. My boyfriend's gonna sneak in any minute and I have to get  
ready. Hey, how'd you know I was a blonde? It's natural, I.... well  
anyway, I'm waiting for my boyfriend, and if he....  
  
VOICE: You mean the one in the green dress that wears tight  
white stockings and girly boots?  
  
ZELDA: Yeah, that's him. Say, are you psychic or something?  
  
VOICE: This is the part where you're supposed to get scared  
blondie.  
  
ZELDA: Oh yeaah.. right. (coughs) How do you know Link?!  
  
VOICE: He's the *&%^$#! Hero of Time, EVERYONE knows  
him!  
  
ZELDA: Oh.. duh. Well why do you think I'm dating him? I mean,  
a guy who dresses like Robin Hood taking ballet has got to have some  
problems, if you know what I mean.  
  
VOICE: Haha! Link takes ballet?! That's... dammit. Listen,  
Princess...  
  
ZELDA: (gasps) How do you know who I am?  
  
VOICE: I CALLED YOU!  
  
ZELDA: Oh..  
  
VOICE: Listen! Just look out your window before I push your  
@^§#$ boyfriend off the balcony!  
  
ZELDA: (looks out at the balcony, camera changes angle to see  
from her perspective) Oh my God! (A light turns on to reveal a small  
Kokiri kid) What the... Mido! (camera zooms in on a pair of binoculars  
at his feet. He is tied down to a chair, bound and gagged)  
  
VOICE: What do you mean Mido?  
  
ZELDA: That's not Link. That's the bossy@$$ leader of the  
Kokiri that dissed my Linky out. (voice becomes nervous) Listen you  
jerk. I'll find out who you are if it's the last %$#*@ thing I do! (door  
opens and closes; we don't see who it is)  
  
VOICE: Who's in the room with you.  
  
ZELDA: (turns around, camera changes angle along with her)  
Oh, that's just Link. Hey, I thought you were sneaking in through  
the balcony.  
  
LINK: Yeah, I was gonna but I saw that pervert Mido climb  
up. I thought I'd come warn you first. (a cell phone falls from his  
tunic, camera zooms in on it)  
  
ZELDA: (zooms in on her face) Oh my Goddesses... You're  
the killer! Um.. caller!  
  
VOICE: (so only Zelda can hear, from the receiver) No you  
dipweed, I'm still on the phone.  
  
ZELDA: (thoroughly confused) How are you throwing your  
voice like that, Link?!  
  
LINK: You're line was busy, Zel, so I brought this along. Hey,  
who're you on the phone with??! (Grabs the phone) Hello?  
  
VOICE: How do you stand that chick?  
  
LINK: (whispers) Hey if it means becoming King of Hyrule,  
I'll play it out for a few more decades. (coughs and speaks louder)  
Who is this?  
  
ZELDA: Come on, Link, I wanna talk again. (whining) Give  
me my phone back. (grabs the phone)  
  
VOICE: All right, that's it. (Camera switches to the balcony,  
at an angle so we can see LINK, ZELDA, MIDO and the night sky. A  
black cloaked figure with a ghost mask appears. In his hand he holds  
a phone. He speaks into it) Hello. (Alias changed to "SCREAM GUY")  
  
ZELDA: (drops the phone) Oh my goddesses, he's throwing  
his voice too!  
  
SCREAM GUY: (A long knife glistens in his hand) You know  
who the first people in movies are to die?  
  
ZELDA: (points to LINK) The potential hero, and then the movie  
takes a drastic turn for the worse when everyone but the beautiful  
princess die?  
  
SCREAM GUY: No, ditz. The non-virgins ALWAYS die first!  
  
ZELDA: ...How did you know about that?  
  
LINK: WHAT? But.. we never.. I'm still a virgin!  
  
ZELDA: (looks like she's thinking really fast) Remember the  
night you go really drunk at Lon Lon Ranch? You just don't remember.  
  
LINK: Zel, I'm underage, I don't drink. And how the hell do  
you get drunk off of milk?  
  
SCREAM GUY: (turns to ZELDA) You'd better tell him the   
truth, babe....  
  
ZELDA: (slaps her forehead) You know your old friend,  
Nabooru?  
  
LINK: What the hell.. She's a girl! Zelda, you told me you  
weren't like tha....  
  
ZELDA: No stupid not her. Remember her leader, oh gee.. what's  
his name? Gan... Ganondoor?  
  
LINK: (explodes) Ganondorf?!  
  
ZELDA: Well what do you THINK? I was waiting in that castle  
for weeks before you came to rescue me! I can only hold out so long!  
  
LINK: I was gone for SIX HOURS trying to save YOU!  
  
ZELDA: Well you know, Ganondorf's pretty hot. When we...  
  
LINK: Jesus! I don't wanna know. That's it, princess. we're  
through!  
  
ZELDA: (moves closer to the SCREAM GUY) So, what are you up  
to this Friday night?  
  
SCREAM GUY: Well actually, I'm slightly busy. Tonight, I have  
an agenda, though, that I must follow. (digs the long banto-knife into  
ZELDA's side)  
  
ZELDA: That was.. uncalled for.. (dies)  
  
LINK: (slaps SCREAM GUY high-five) Yo man, I gotta know who  
you are!  
  
SCREAM GUY: (pulls off mask, back of head is all that is seen)  
Tada!  
  
LINK: (blinks) What....?  
  
SCREAM GUY: (camera shifts to SCREAM GUY; Saria sitting  
on Princess Ruto's shoulders) Surprised, Link? (robe falls off them, so  
we see them both more clearly)  
  
LINK: Just a little. Say, thanks for that Zelda-killing bit, I was  
getting kind of annoyed by her. You know, if I wasn't...  
  
SARIA: Actually, Link, we have some... things we must discuss  
with you.  
  
LINK: Hey, anything for you two!  
  
RUTO: (twirls the knife, tip on the floor) Actually, more than us.  
You've made quite a few people unhappy.  
  
Camera shifts to the balcony window. Standing outside, we see many  
shadowy figures. As they step closer, we can make out the following:  
MALON, MIDO, FADO [According to Nintendo, Fado is the little  
girl with the blonde pigtails in the Kokiri forest. You can see her in  
my fic, Ti'ana's Story: TM (LC), author], NABOORU and GANONDORF  
riding EPONA.  
  
LINK: What's all this about? And what are you doing on my  
horse you overgrown pig man? You're supposed to be locked in the Evil  
Realm!  
  
SARIA: (off NABOORU, RUTO and herself) We're Sages, Link.  
We practically run the place. Now, we're going to have a little trial. A  
very little trial in which the defendant is already proclaimed guilty.  
Case closed. Women? (gets a nasty look from GANONDORF and MIDO)  
And men?  
  
RUTO: This is for breaking out seven-year engagement! (stabs  
LINK)  
  
MALON: This is for stealing my horse! (stabs LINK as well) And  
because I fell in love with you and you married that slut of a princess to  
become king! (stab)  
  
NABOORU: Only because my friends will turn on me if I don't!  
(stabs LINK)  
  
SARIA: For leaving me in the woods without rescuing me! (stabs  
LINK) For making me fall in love with you as well! (stab)  
  
MIDO: This is for ten years of annoyance! (stabs LINK)  
  
FADO: And this is for my love of Mido! (stabs LINK)  
  
GANONDORF: For constantly defeating me in battle! One for every  
time I was humiliated by your pathetic powers! (stabs LINK multiple times)  
  
EPONA: (whinnies, and stomps on LINK's chest)  
  
LINK: (stabbed, in total, 20 times) Et tu, Epona? Then fall, Link!  
(dies).  
  
Camera pans out from window. We see Hyrule Castle in its entirety, the  
cameraman sobbing in the moat... Hey! I thought I fired you!  
fired!  
  
CAMERAMAN: Yo (sobs) gimme a break man!  
  
...and FTB, credits. Zelda's Lullaby plays to a funeral march.  
  
  
  
  
  
Ack, no flames please! I started writing this as a joke 6.30.00 when I was going through my "I wanna be a director and screenwriter" phase (don't we all? *coughcough*) and I forgot about it up until recently, and finished it up today, 3.9.01. I worked on this, in total, about an hour. I KNOW  
it isn't written well, it wasn't supposed to be. Just tell me what you think, but don't be mean about it :\  
-Ti'ana


End file.
